Trials Are My Biggest Teachers

 The trials that we have in our lives whether they are circumstances, illnesses, or people become our greatest teachers.  I am going to share with you one of my biggest trials as it has taught me a lot. My intention in sharing this is not to spill my dirt, but hopefully that maybe through my lesson if discouragement, and depression frequent your thoughts and emotions that what I am learning might be helpful to you as well.

There is a saying that you can't pour from an empty picture, meaning if you let yourself get empty you have nothing to give others. The truth of the matter is that we are never empty we are always filled with something or better put BEING something. The question is are we BEING unconditionally loving, grateful, forgiving, patient, and kind or are we BEING judgmental, a victim, unloving, selfish, unforgiving, or angry? The proof is in the results that we are getting in our lives.

One of my biggest trials that has also become one of my greatest teachers is depression. My depression was mostly  (I say mostly because there is the physical part that I have worked on through diet and supplements as well) a result negative thinking.  I was constantly BEING judgmental and critical of myself and listening to the negative chatter in my head. This resulted in me BEING judgmental and critical of others as well. Because I was so focused on the things that I didn't like about myself, many times all I could see and unfortunately sometimes say were the things that I didn't like about my husband and children.  I remember a conversation my husband and I had years ago where he said in great frustration, "it doesn't matter what I do, it will never be enough". Just recently I was talking with my oldest son, who is now 23 about how sorry I was for some of the things I said when he was little. He said, "Yeah mom, it seemed like no matter what I did it was never good enough for you."  I realized that because I felt like I wasn't enough, or could ever be or do enough, that I poured that energy out to my husband and kids. What we are BEING, is the energy that we are putting out and ultimately, because of the Law of the Harvest or what some people call Karma, is what we will get back. My relationship with my husband and my children suffered and my children don't have the self esteem that I wish they had. It can be very painful, but the good news is that it's never to late to change. As I realized my mistakes and what they were creating I started praying and asked for God to help me change.

 I felt inspired to pick up the Book of Mormon one day and I turned to Moroni 7:45 and  words sort of jumped off the page: For charity suffereth long (is tolerant), and is kind, and envieth not and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own (is unselfish and serves others), is not easily provoked (easily offended or becomes angry), thinketh no evil (doesn't think bad about self and others), and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in truth, bearth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. (BOM, Moroni 7:45) I knew that charity was something we were all supposed to  have but I didn't really understand that first we had to Be charity,  which is THE PURE LOVE OF CHRIST.  But before we can BE that to others we first have to BE charitable to ourselves because it is impossible to give others something that we don't already have. When I am tolerant of my weaknesses, (this doesn't mean I justify them, but cut myself some slack), am kind to myself by filling up my cup, quit envying and comparing myself to others, be patient with myself instead of getting angry when I make mistakes, and focus on my good qualities and acknowledge the good I do every day, it opens up the space to see myself as Christ sees me, a beautiful daughter of God, a work in progress, whom he loves unconditionally and WITH CHARITY. Then it is easy to see good in others, see them as Christ sees them and be charitable towards them. 

Sometimes when someone breaks your trust, or hurts you feeling charity toward them can be very hard, but as it says in Moroni 7:48:  Pray unto the Father with all the energy of  heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed up on all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him. It might take time, but God knows our heart and through Christ we can be healed.

Yesterday I was talking about this with a friend and I asked her what she was going to do to show more love to herself. She  said she was going to quit being so critical of her looks and she was going to start by loving and embracing her wrinkles. I told her that her wrinkles make her eyes twinkle.

 I am learning that the key to overcoming my depression and finding true happiness is to ask myself what state of BEING am I in today and if it's not love figure out what I am BEING that is keeping me from BEING charitable to myself and/or others.  Sometimes at that point I can use energy work to clear the negative emotion and move on and sometimes there is a further lesson to learn and I get to process it some more. The good news is that God is always there to help me through it.